Was when I worked as a runner on the set of Mona Lisa. I was still at school but desperate to get into the film industry. I did all sorts. Swept up, made tea, ran to the shops to get Wispas for Robbie Coltrane, polished Michael Caine’s glasses. The lot. But it was in Bob Hoskins caravan that I had the most hellish time. I had the task of twice every day waxing Bob’s back and arse crack before he filmed his bonking scenes with Cathy Tyson. It was like tackling Captain Caveman. On minimum wage.

Bob’s known for being one of the hairiest men in showbiz and to start with the director Neil Jordan tried filming the love scenes au natural. The rushes were terrible. It was like something out of Gorillas in the mist with Bob pumping away at poor Cathy like Mighty Joe Young. For there on I'd be ushered into Bob's luxury caravan by the Best Boy, a galvanized bucket of molten wax and some industrial tape in my nervous hands, Hoskins face down on the formica table/bed, back like a hearth rug.

To this day I can’t see a roll of Gaffa tape without a shudder running through me.

It's good to talk.

Question: Who are the Royal Marines?

Answer: Commonly called ‘Bootnecks’, the Royal Marines are the Royal Navy's amphibious warriors and are key component of the government's Rapid Reaction Force. High on Benzedrine they bring destruction to our enemies around the world, leaving decimation in their wake.

They are required to be trained to work in different terrains and environments, from the cold, mountainous conditions in Northern Europe, to the hot arid regions of the Middle East and Africa and to the dense tropical beach bars of the Far East.

All Royal Marines, except those in the Royal Marines Band Service, are first and foremost, steroid-fuelled killing machines. They are required to undergo what is recognised as one of the longest and most psychologically damaging infantry training regimes in the world. Their blood lust is legendary.

Question: In 'An Officer and a Gentleman' was Richard Gere a Royal Marine?

Answer: No, but he might easily have been. Gere trained with 3 Commando for two months during the Spring of 1980 and the easy way he learned with prostitutes during that time was apparent in his 1990 film 'Pretty Woman'.

Question: What about the initiation ceremonies?

Answer: These are character building. Would be Bootnecks can expect to be demeaned, demoralized and embarrassed as part of a systematic training approach designed to throw their personalities off kilter and turn them into psychotic killing machines.

Question: I take part in homemade pornography, does this debar me from being a Royal Marine Commando?

Answer: Not at all. Many of our ranks fill their spare time by shooting amateur skin flicks and 'gonzo' is seen as a healthy pastime when not on active duty slaughtering the enemy. Information on joining the Royal Marines can be found here.

Question: What is 713 Assault Squadron Royal Marines?

Answer: 713 Assault Squadron are a crack commando team specializing in wrecking local public houses. A typical operation will see the unit consuming copious amounts of alcohol for several hours in a local hostelry before erupting into violence and mayhem where as many locals are assaulted as possible and maximum criminal damage is inflicted on the premises. The unit get its name from the cost of repairs to The Cat and Fiddle pubic house in Plymouth destroyed by Marines in 1964. The squadron has been based at RM Turnchapel in Plymouth since 1987, from which it deploys boat groups for operations and exercises worldwide.

Question: What weapons do the Royal Marines use?

Answer: Basically anything to hand. The Royal Marines pride themselves on being able to inflict death and damage with practically any object that presents itself. During the Orkney uprising of 1997 Marine Robinson disabled five crofters with a rusty crampon. A full list of official weapons can be found here.

Question: What is the training to be a Royal Marines Commando?

Answer: The Royal Marines Commando course takes place at the Commando Training Centre, (CTCRM), Lympstone, Devon and lasts 32 weeks. TV fitness guru Rosemary Connelly is currently head of commando development and has taken over from GMTV's Mr. Motivator who retired from service in 2003. All recruits start the day at 0400hrs with 5lbs of raw liver and groin injections of cattle steroids. The training programme is based around the James Caan film, 'Rollerball', with less rules and more violence. The day ends at 2300hrs with systematic beatings dished out by senior recruits.

Full details can be found here.

Seemless start to metric road scheme says Irish PM

The Irish Government has declared its ongoing metrication programme a success as Ireland's roads moved from left to right-hand driving this week, with the Taoiseach hailing the change as 'seamless'.

The move, which came at midnight on Sunday into the early hours of Monday morning is the latest development in a metric programme which brings the Republic into line with the rest of the European Union and is the biggest visible change under the programme since road signs began to display distances in kilometres as opposed to the tyrannical British mile in January. The country-wide change follows a pilot scheme in county Clare which has been running since May 2004.

The Minister for Metrication, Diarmuid O'Mullagh, last night echoed the Taoiseach's comments and hailed the change as, 'A victory for Irish independence as we move into the bright sunlight of a free Ireland from the shameful shadow of the British Empire. No more shall the people of this country be forced into the stigma and slavery of left-hand driving.'

The British left-hand drive model was implemented in Ireland in 1922 under an agreement with De Valera in return for cutting a duty tax on Guinness. The emerald isle had previously followed the continental model.

The change has been preceded by months of stealth indoctrination. TV stations have been showing a heavy dose of American and European road movies alongside special editions of popular UK TV programmes such as Top Gear and Celebrity Driving School with the film footage mirrored to show a false representation of the real driving position. 'In all fairness,' said O'Mullagh, 'I think it was showing Thelma and Louise five times on the Saturday that broke the back of the thing, and that's the truth of it.'

One motorist in Drogheda stated: 'Bless my soul, begorra, I never noticed, and that I didn't."

The Government has warned that following a few weeks grace while protestant motorists learn to adjust, endorseable fixed penalty notices will be issued to drivers who use the left-hand side of the road. The Garda reported a slight rise in road traffic collisions but stated they were, 'nothing to get worked up about.'

It is expected that Government moves to operate on Central European Time will be brought in on New Year's Eve, giving revellers a chance to celebrate the start of 2009 twice inside the hour.