News. Friday 10th January 2003

A Darton man pleaded not guilty to six offences of dangerous driving at Barnsley Magistrates Court on Monday, citing the music played on his in-car stereo system as the reason for his behaviour. Stephen Peter Townsend, 28, of Brummel Avenue, Darton, claimed to have been driving in a normal manner on the southbound carriageway of the M1 between junctions 38 and 36 on the 27th August 2002 prior to coming under the influence of an hypnotic effect created by popular music he listened to. Alone in the car at the time of the incident Townsend had inserted a cassette tape in an effort to keep himself alert. Townsend admitted that he had only slept for two hours the previous night, having been kept awake by the teething cries of his teething daughter.

GANGSTERS

Townsend said that the ‘Peter Gunn theme’ had played on the tape, a song popularised in the movie ‘The Blues Brothers’ and also through the 1980s video game ‘Spy Hunter’. Townsend claimed that he had been a devotee of the ‘Spy Hunter’ game in his early teens, often playing on his Commodore 64 computer for thirty-six hour stretches at a time without a break. The objective of the game is to reach a destination while evading attacks by gangster limousines, helicopter gun-ships, and other hostile vehicles. The defendant stated that on hearing the song, the association, combined with his tired state had induced him to believe that he was inside the ‘Spy Hunter’ game and that the other vehicles travelling on the carriageway at that time were purposely attempting to prevent him from reaching the Meadowhall shopping centre, where he was planning to buy some new slippers. Townsend’s initial reaction had been to nudge a BMW 325i pulling alongside to overtake into the central reservation. He had then intentionally opened the passenger door of his Volvo and ‘clothes-lined’ a motor-cyclist travelling in the slow lane of the motorway.

FLASHING

After a further five miles of mayhem, Police had been alerted to the vehicle by Townsend’s constant flashing of his headlight beams, in the mistaken belief that he was activating an oil slick dispersal.

Evidence was given by the police that Townsend had evaded them at first, but was eventually caught after leaving the carriageway and driving into a body of water bordering Worsborough Mill wildlife centre, expecting – he told officers - his car to turn into a speedboat when he entered the lake.

The case continues and evidence is expected to be given by Gaz Top, former presenter of kids’ knowledge show ‘How?!’, who reviewed the ‘Spy Hunter’ game on a 1985 edition of ‘Saturday Superstore’.

Email. 21/10/2002

Dear Andrew’s,

My Grandmother, an 88 year-old lady, recently purchased a tub of your wonderful, 'Liversalts', in order to alleviate a mild digestive disorder. However, the design of the new container baffled her somewhat. As I'm sure you're aware, the new 'Andrews' Liver Salts' package comes in a shapely plastic tub, with a spoon clipped into the lid, and foil sealed for freshness. However, the dosage instructions are hidden beneath the rear label, on a concealed tab. My Gran's hands are slightly arthritic, and not as nimble as the days when she worked in the munitions factory during the war, doing her bit to defeat the Nazi menace, and so even though after two hours of staring at the tub in bemusement and realizing what needed to be done to find out how much of the powder to give herself, she failed, after some scratchy, frantic efforts, to peel back the tricky corner of the label and find out what dosage was applicable. Not wanting to miss out on the vitality of your dyspeptic panacea she scooped fifteen teaspoons of powder into half a pint of water and retired to bed. She describes the next twelve hours as, 'hellish'. Not only did she suffer considerable bowel discomfort, she also ruined a perfectly good mattress.

While not strictly a complaint, I would wish you to bare in mind that not all purchasers of your product will have the digital dexterity of the late, great Jimi Hendrix.

Best wishes,

GUINNESSORIG

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